Many of us like to avoid conflict, but experts have found that the strongest and happiest relationships aren’t always the most conflict-free. A disagreement with a friend, partner, colleague or family member, can in fact bring you closer, if you approach the conversation respectfully and with an open mind.
So, how do we go about having healthier arguments?
Approach the conversation with respect for the other person
It can be easy to resort to insults, swearing or name calling when an argument is emotionally charged which, inevitably, does more harm than good. When you come into the conversation with disrespect, it discourages a constructive conversation about the issue at hand and derails the argument into an attack on the person’s character. When approaching a difficult conversation, be mindful of what it is you’re really upset about, focus on the behaviour or situation, not the other person.
Consider your body language
As well as the language you use, consider your facial expressions and body language. 55% of what we communicate is non-verbal and a tense conversation can lead to a lot of quick reactions. An eye roll shows as much disrespect as a mean word.
Come with an open mind
Approach the conversation, ready to hear the other side and don’t make judgements before the argument has even started. Set aside the need to be right and focus, not only on getting your point across, but learning more about the other person’s perspective.
Actively listen
Listen to hear and to learn from the other person. Listen closely and ask questions. Get clarification on what they’re saying and what they mean. It can be very tempting in an argument to respond before the other person is finished speaking. This can stop the other person feeling heard, as well as negatively impacting your understanding of what they have said.
Take a break if you need to
The old saying goes, ’Never go to bed angry.’ Although, it’s usually better to go to bed angry than to go to bed remorseful after saying something you didn’t mean. Avoid having heated discussions close to bedtime or when either of you are tired or hungry as it can often make us more emotional. Also, if things start to get too heated or you’re going round in circles, agree another time to discuss things.
Reach a Resolution
Make sure that, even if you pause the conversation for another time, you do return to it. Ensure that you do in fact find a resolution at some point. Don’t give up on things and hope the whole thing disappears, or you could well end up having to repeat the argument again and again. One tactic to resolve an argument is to find common ground. We may not see eye to eye with people on everything but most of us do have some shared values or objectives with one another. Take a moment to consider the underlying values that are driving each of you and remember why it is you’re arguing, it’s likely because you both care.